no rat poison for me, please...

"Rat" photo by Gina Matchinsky at the Henry Doorley Zoo, Omaha, Nebraska

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January 20, 2014 question is:  "Are you holding a grudge?"

Not everything goes smoothly in our lives. There were times when other people caused us not just simple disappointments but too much pain or anguish - times when we were deliberately caused harm or humiliation, when we were instilled fear, made us lose our self-esteem and our dignity, manipulated us, misled us, and even verbally and physically abuse us. Sometimes the people who do these things are even the ones who swear to love us and protect us, too. And we are just human not to feel hurt and betrayed.

When we feel we've been taken advantage of too much and while we are still in the middle of suffering from those abuses, it is at that point when we feel like bearing a grudge on people especially if what they did to us caused us irreparable damage.

We often hear people talk about grudge. It is a kind of ill feeling directed to a person who caused us harm or pain. So how do we know when we are actually holding a grudge?

I think for a simple resentment to turn into a grudge, it should be deep-seated. A grudge is a really strong feeling of hatred that do not fade or die down with time. It is firmly established so much so that it is difficult to change or curtail the feeling.  Some people even have ill will to go with the resentment, too.

In my life I had experienced how it was to be hurt so much by someone whom I have trusted, somebody who should be the one protecting and supporting me, and perhaps even loving me.

Too many might have-beens like what would it have been like if I had been allowed to have a regular job? Or what would it have been like if my first son did not die inside the womb? And the feeling that his death was attributed to the painful words somebody said to me -- what would it have been like if those words were not said? Or what would it have been like not to be expected to be like somebody else's mother and to be genuinely loved for being you? Or what it would have been like if me and my children had a loving, secure and happy home and not the opposite?

So many things that I won't be able to bring back. There was a time when I can only feel bitterness and anger for all the unhappiness somebody caused me. Too much time and effort and tears wasted for somebody who is not even worth it.

Then one day, I woke up wanting to change my circumstance. As  Jocelyn Murray says “Sometimes it takes great suffering to pierce the soul and open it up to greatness." Not that I have done anything great yet but I was able to tap my most daring self to make something good for the remainder of my life and the people I love.

I stopped feeling bitter from then on. I now think in terms of taking charge of my life. I realized most things happen because at one point we permit it to happen. Like I should not have let somebody else dictate how I should live my life or how I should define myself.

 There is sense in what Harvey Fierstein said "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." And I did.

Of course there were things that are beyond our control and we can't do anything about it. No amount of worrying or holding grudge would ever change these. So the best thing to do is just accept things, learn from your mistakes and move on.

It is like how you drive a car to reach your destination. You look at the windshield more than the rear view mirror. You only look at the rear view mirror as a precaution. To move on, we need to look more at what is ahead of us and not much of what had already been behind us, but it pays to check it once in a while to not forget the learnings from it that we had.

So to answer the question if I am holding a grudge? No, I don't. Holding a grudge is like a rat poison you take in the hope that the rat itself would die. And more often than not, that varmint is a bad rat and will die long after everybody else did. So there is no sense in me stressing and holding grudge over somebody even more after all the sufferings that person had already incurred. But I don't intend to make the same mistakes again.

not just another meal

"A bouquet of fresh fruits" photo by Gina Matchinsky.

January 19, 2014 question is: "List 3 foods you ate today."

It has always been a bouquet of fresh flowers and I have heard of a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils. In an email from NY152 to Shopgirl, he typed: "Don't you just love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address" from the movie, You've Got Mail. Being an artist, I'd love to receive a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils instead of flowers for a change. I think it is something cool, creative and thoughtful, too, especially if it is being sent to a writer or an artist.

And that's not where the bouquet things stop. When I went to Hyvee, I saw a bouquet of chocolates they sell as a Valentine gift. You can find some really expensive chocolate brands there, too, and getting a bunch of them - so sinfully good! But what I tried at a friend's potluck party, I liked a lot, also! It was a bouquet of fresh fruits - delectable minus the guilt. I think it was me who finished most of the strawberries there. So that was one of the food I had.

"Shrimp" photo by Gina Matchinsky

Another of the food I had today was lots and lots of shrimp.

When I was in Philippines, I don't eat shrimp much. I take it for granted because I know I can always buy them when I want one. It just took a trip to Coastal Road and buy at the Bulungan and I got really fresh seafood just right after they were caught. And having lived around these areas most of my life, I just know I will never run out of supply. Had I known that that status quo will not remain the way it was, I would have enjoyed all the fresh shrimps, crabs, squids and oysters, especially oysters, that my tummy could take.

"Dinuguan" photo by Gina Matchinsky

The third food I had at the potluck  was the "dinuguan". It is a Filipino dish made of pork meat (usually innards like the small intestines and the big intestines), pork blood, vinegar and green finger peppers. It is a little tricky to cook especially if you use the innards because it has to be cleaned thoroughly. It will not taste right, otherwise. Then you have to get the right consistency for the blood because it could have that gamy after-taste if you don't. Another tricky part was just how much vinegar you are going to put so it will be a tinge sour but not too sour.

So here's my dinuguan version. For me, I prefer to use pork meat instead of innards because that is one less difficulty. The pork should not be too lean for added flavor. I first cut the pork into small cubes including the fatty portions and have it really fried and crispy. After that I saute minced garlic and onions, then I add beef cubes. After the cube is dissolved and mixed well with all the other ingredients, then comes the pork blood.

The pork blood, by the way, has to be strained first. The jellied blood needs to be broken with the hand in a 1/4 to 1/2 cup of water. It has to be poured in first. I then let it simmer for a minute or so. After that I pour the rest of the pork blood and add about 5 to 6 green finger peppers, stirring as I do. After it simmer for about 7 minutes, I then add around 3/4 cup of vinegar. I cover it and then let simmer for another 7 minutes. Last but not least, I season it to taste with fish sauce, monosodium glutamate or msg and a little brown sugar. I stir it again and after a minute of low heat, then it's done!

It is really a good tasting food when done right and I think most Filipinos love it except of course those whose religion do not permit them to eat something that has got blood on it. It can be eaten with rice for lunch or supper. When eaten with "puto", some kind of rice cake, it is treated as just a "merienda" or a snack.

I'd say all the food I've eaten today were some kind of novelty considering where I am now. I enjoyed them and I hope people from different cultures will learn to enjoy them, too, especially the "dinuguan".  Cooked just right, everything was good! Bon appetit!

peacefully turbulent

"Peacefully Turbulent" photo by Gina Matchinsky, Red Rock Dam, Pella, Iowa

January 18, 2014 question is "What is peaceful about today?"

It was Saturday and for me it was supposed to be a relaxed kind of day - free to wake up as late as I want, do some chores I was not able to do on week days and just have a leisurely time with loved ones or friends.

Saturday is my day, too, for long leisurely bath and a kind of pamper myself day. That kind of day when you are not so in a hurry to make sure that you were able to put lotion on each and every part of your body, when you rub your facial cream more, the time when you pluck your excess eyebrows or what else there is to pluck or cut or file your nails and set your hair a little more meticulously longer. So leaving on a Saturday usually took a longer time of preparation.

My husband and I were supposed to go on a photo shoot on Saturday but when we got to where we want to shoot, it was really windy and with the snow it felt chilly, too. The forecast said it was supposed to get warmer after noon but it didn't. So no shoot just when my husband needed to get some relief from stress and taking pictures has always been his way to do so.

My husband decided we went to Target to just buy something really important for him which in my mind, I think he will not find there. So I decided to look around for other stuff, too. It is seldom I got to go out shopping since I still don't drive a car (this, I discover, was something you really need to get from one point to another in the U.S.) so whenever we go to a department store I was just so excited to look around. Shopping had always been how I de-stress back when I was in the Philippines and the weather on that day was enough to get people stressed out, too.

The shopping ended with both of us not being able to buy anything and troubled. We got home both frustrated and disappointed, and all the more stressed. We were disappointed at each other for our own personal reasons that no amount of hugging gave relief. Things seem peaceful on the surface but I fell asleep with a huge lump on my throat.

So it was actually a challenge to answer this question and say something worth anybody's while.

So what was peaceful about such a turbulent day? Peace begins with a smile, said Mother Teresa. What was peaceful for such a day would probably be the hope of being able to smile again...

some things never change

"One of the boys" photo by Feliciano B. Villanueva

January 17, 2014 question is: "What is the oldest thing you wear today?"

Having went to the United States just recently and having not brought a lot with me in terms of clothing but summer clothes and now being winter, most of the stuff I wear these days are fairly new. So it is just a matter of which ones I bought more recently than the other and it is a bit confusing to track which was first or last.

So the safest thing to answer this question with is the oldest thing I wear today is myself. The good old fashioned me I have always known for years.

This brings me to think about the old things about me that did not change with time. They are the oldest things I've been "wearing" up to now.

For one, I still love my mom's spaghetti and when she died I cook the same recipe.

And then I love Astrud Gilberto's songs as a child and I still do up to now.

I hum a lot as a child and as an adult, also. At first it has a melody of a song and as my mind gets more busy just a steady note which I don't even notice that I was doing. There were even instances when my siblings got frightened when they thought they were alone in the room and heard that when we were all kids. Even classmates who often sat beside me noticed that, too and also co-workers. And just recently my newlywed husband and sister-in-law, too!

As a girl I have never been comfortable wearing mini skirts or shorts, even if my mother always made wear those when I was a child. I just thought my legs are not nicely shaped enough. And up to now I still do!

Another thing is when I was a kid, I prefer playing with boys. It is just that with boys there are not much fuzz and intrigues, and no cliques! Now, I still find it a lot easier dealing with men than with women.

As a kid I also love wearing boots and now when the opportunity of wearing one came, here being extremely cold, I just discovered I still love that kind of thing.

One of the most recent oldest things I thought I no longer "wear" and has outgrown already is my being like a "girlish minx".

One of the happiest part of my life was when I was still a child and my father still doing good in his bag manufacturing business and him being indulgent most of the time. He used to make me tag along in all his business dealings because he believed it kind of gave him luck. And after that we will go out to eat or buy stuff  that I like. And it always happen that I extended his set limit for spending on that day. It can be food or clothes or toys or even just extending time on the playground. Me haggling and cajoling for a little bit more and him capitulating most of the time not because he can be easily sweet-talked or him not being firm, he just makes it a point to make me know he loved me too much not to. For all I know he already set a budget for haggled stuff but I just felt loved and indulged.

I have not done any haggling for a long time now. It stopped after my father lost his business and I thought I already outgrew it until recently. Sometimes, when I shop with my husband, that cheeky, minx girl just came out of the blue without me meaning it and even if I know it is not appropriate for my age already.

Some things never change, one just have to know better enough to take things graciously, see life in a more mature way and even learn to accept frustrations.

cash is king

"Cash is king". photo by Gina Matchinsky

January 16, 2013 question is - Do you owe someone money? Does someone owe you money?

Today's question is another of those not really apt question to ask me at this point. For one, if it can be helped, I don't want to borrow money and for another, I just moved to a new place so I am pretty new where I am for people to borrow me money from.

If it can be helped, I don't even want to buy using a credit card. It feels like spending money you still haven't earned. What my father inculcated in my mind when I was a kid was to always try to live within my means. Had I been under his wing still, I know he will not permit me to use a credit card.

That got me thinking about the purpose of credit cards. A friend said it is safer because you don't need to bring too much cash. And not much problem with giving exact change or counting back your change, too. But then you can also do that with a debit card.

Even with the perks of having a credit card like a cash back of 1-5% or investment rewards or earning money through point system or frequent flyer miles, they only give substantial benefit if one spends or travel more.

I think credit cards are good for businesses so you can start one or sustain one if you don't have the immediate cash you need. You get to have a spending money at the time you need it for something that will eventually produce a bigger profit for you to pay what you owe.

It is also good for building up credit rating and a little more safer than debit in cases of fraud. The grace period for the money borrowed allows money to grow a little bit more if you have high yield checking account, too. It is also more universally accepted in hotel and car rentals, too, than debit cards. So they work better for people who are good in juggling money, have more money and are in business to make more money.

But to an average Joe or Juan who are not good in math and projecting future earnings, they are more likely to spend so much more than they are capable of quickly paying back.

Unlike spending actual money, a card is just a swipe away. Money are just figures and it is so easy to forget you are dealing with money making one easily overspend. Since you can satisfy your wants anytime, there is a tendency to overindulge. It weakens control over impulse buying and you end up buying more of the things you don't need. Credit cards also makes the cost higher because more often merchants just raise their prices to cover the cost of credit card surcharges that even cash paying people ended up paying.

Which brings me to the question, to owe or not to owe? Not being very good in math myself, I think it might be a good thing to use credit cards for big purchases that you really take note of to finish paying first before buying another one just to have a good credit rating and then reserve it in cases of emergencies. Other than that paying in cash will be fine since I might get in trouble keeping track of debit expenses, too.

So back to the question if I owe money or anybody owing me one? Zero. Maybe depth of gratitude or "utang na loob", I have plenty but that's another story. As for me, cash is still king.

coffee, tea or me?

"Coffee, tea or me?" photo by Gina Matchinsky.
One of the art pieces from the 2013 Des Moines Arts Festival

January 15, 2014 question is: "On the scale of 1 to 10, how was your lunch today?"

After sleeping 4:30am already the day before, this morning I woke up 8:30am. Just 4 hours of sleep and my regular sleep hours is 8. I just straightened up stuffs around the house for a bit, had my usual Kellog's cornflakes breakfast and then proceeded writing my story for yesterday's post.

It was around 11:30am when I finished and I still needed to prepare myself for a visit to a friend's house so I just drank tea and took a bath, then called some people and then finish my final preparation routine in time for me to get picked up and delivered to my destination. My next food intake was half a Hershey bar eaten inside the car on the way to a friend. So for lunch time it was just tea.

Between drinking tea or coffee, I prefer tea. I guess it is the aftertaste of coffee that I don't like much. It is something warm to drink that I very much appreciate on a cold winter day. You feel warm inside and cleansed and light after a drink.

My love for tea started when I first got pregnant with my eldest daughter. It was a NO NO to take medication for diarrhea when one is pregnant and my tummy often has a hard time digesting food I ate resulting to tummy trouble. A friend told me to drink tea with sugar and to my surprise that always did the trick! No need to take Diatabs or Imodium or Alka Seltzer. Just around 2 cups of tea with sugar and I'm fine.

Another incident that tea helped was when I had my ulcers or bouts of hyperacidity. I just eat crackers, my most favorite brand is Sky Flakes, drink my Lipton tea with sugar and that relieves the stomach pain and stops me from going to the restroom a lot.

When I have a fever, a nice warm tea with honey can help me sweat to keep the temperature low, too.

On long trips and when I am not quite sure if the food there will agree with my tummy, I always order iced tea just to make sure that whatever it is that might cause problem will already get stopped from developing.

When I was in the Philippines, I used to drink a variety of Twinings tea. The nice thing about it is they come in different flavors. I tried the Chamomile, Earl Grey, Green Tea, Black Tea, Irish Breakfast, Cinnamon, Cranberry, Blueberry, Raspberry and many others. But nothing beats my honest-to-goodness, 100% Natural Lipton tea that is my tummy trouble one-man-band cure.

So on the scale of 1 to 10 and 10 being the top score, on a cold winter day with not much activity and needing to diet and had to go out, I would rate my tea lunch, 10 for being just what I needed at the time.

a leader or a follower?

"... the really great can make you feel that you, too, can become great." photo by Gina Matchinsky

January 14, 2014 question is: Are you a leader or a follower?

It is said that you can't be a good leader without being a good follower and a lot of the characteristics of a good leader can be found in a good follower, too. They just have a little difference in approach.

So before answering whether I am one or the other, let me detail how I believe a great leader and a great follower approach the following:

VISION
Great leaders do not only have a good plan and the most effective way to execute them. They must also be creative enough to articulate or express them in ways that would make each and every follower understand.
Great followers are better in interpreting a plan and finding various solutions to execute the vision laid out for them.

PASSION
Great leaders are endowed with great passion and enthusiasm to go for a vision or an ambition. They have that drive and focus to go forward with persistence and determination towards a goal boldly clearing the obstacles along the way and infecting and inspiring others to follow suit.
Great followers boldly follow suit in the path set out for them. They can be driven by personal gain, benefits and opportunities that can be had in realizing a goal.

REMUNERATION
Leaders, in pursuit of a vision, deliver more than they are paid for.
Followers in pursuit of recognition, delivers what is expected of them.

DECISION MAKING
Great leaders are committed people. They decide firmly but not rigidly. They are good in breaking down problems to smaller parts before finding a solution without being stiff about it. They listen to everyone's idea and are flexible while still getting in control of the situation to make a speedy but not hasty decision.
Great followers can articulate well the much needed feedback like what works and what doesn't for the leaders to form better decision and they accept such decisions gracefully.

ACCOUNTABILITY
Great leaders take full responsibility for failures or sub-standard performance of subordinates.
Great followers support other co-workers and accepts liability over their area of responsibility.

TIME MANAGEMENT
Great leaders knows how to use time to his or her advantage and delegate people in the team. They have patience and give importance to long term goals than short ones. They know how to make a balance between being fast and better delivery.
Great followers have the ability to sustain a steady delivery of quality performance and concentrating more on the detail and the methodical way of doing things.

GRATIFICATION
Great leaders are team builders. They glory in the entire team's success and give credit to whom it is due.
Great followers concentrate more on working and following the vision to its completion regardless of where the idea came from or who will get credited for it.

COURAGE
Great leaders have the courage and determination to deal with the unknown and blaze their trails for others to follow.
Great followers supports and follows the leader even to the unknown while still reserving the right to stand up for the values they uphold and stand for.
Critical thinking and being able to stand for what is right are important qualities of both good leader and good follower.

TOLERANCE
Good leaders has sympathy, patience and understanding. They give allowance for people's mistakes. They allow people to grow and develop through their own approach and whatever works best for them.
Good followers accepts that leaders are people, too and not perfect and make allowance for such mistakes and even failure, too.

COMPLIANCE
Great leaders know how to abide by the rules for order, structure and discipline.
Great followers know how to follow rules and be smart enough to work it to their advantage.

HUMOR
Great leaders know enough to be humble and to even laugh at themselves to encourage a pleasant work environment. Humor is sometimes an essential part of driving delicate or critical points tactfully and without being harsh.
Great followers builds camaraderie with team mates through humor to lighten the mood or elevate people's spirits with humor being delivered with a grain of respect.

GRATITUDE
Great leaders know the importance of giving recognition and credit where it is due.
Great followers shows appreciation for the opportunity to learn and be part of a team's success, and acknowledges the risk and sacrifice the leaders took to get there.

DEPENDABILITY
Great leaders are trusted to be able to stir towards the right direction. So part of their being dependable is knowing which way to go. It means having the organizational skills, mastery of details and knowledge, and being able to deliver and reach their goal.
Great followers are counted on to be professional enough to deliver at an appointed date, place and time. They are expected to be cooperative and be able to work well with a team.
Be it a leader or follower, dependability is an essential trait that differentiate excellence from the mediocre.

TRUSTWORTHINESS
Great leaders knows the balance between being honest enough to be trusted and not too candid enough to be tactless. People believe and like working for leaders they can trust. They trust them to be fair and have good judgment.
Great followers practice honesty in all dealings in their area of function. Be it being humble enough to admit that you can't handle some task, or being able to deliver when you say you would or just being honest with the time and effort you give to a particular task.
Trustworthiness is very important criteria whether one is a leader or just a follower.

EMPATHY
Great leaders feel the needs and wants of people. They listen. It is how great leaders win people's trust, too. It requires not just good people skills but justice, genuine empathy and sensitivity to other people. Great leaders don't treat some people one way and some people the other. They have to have an honest-to-goodness concern and have positive feelings for people because their deepest thoughts and feelings radiate so the people around them can readily sense how they truly are. Great leaders express concern without being condescending, too.
Great followers express genuine interest for other people. It is how they build trust and good rapport with them. It is being perceptive enough to know how to listen and feel enough for them to know when to shut up or to talk and knowing the right words to make them feel that they really care.

Leaders do not become leaders overnight. They can't be a leader unless they become a good follower first at any given point in their lives because a lot of the traits that make good followers make for being good leaders, too. And there are even great followers who have the potential to become great leaders who just doesn't want to become one.

Those being outlined and back to the question. Am I a leader or a follower?

Having said that, I know I am capable enough to achieve goals on my own. On the other hand, I can also be in harmony with other people to work with me to pursue a goal if need be. And I have a lot of experiences where I was able to motivate people to make the best out of themselves and stir them in the right direction.

So knowing what I am capable of, how I can be really determined and creative when I want to or how I can be free-spirited and be a lone wolf in my pursuits, or how I can cooperate and be a people person when need be - I can say that I am capable of being a good leader or a follower or a loner depending on my motivation.

For me, neither being a leader or a follower or a loner is the best choice. The world will not be a good place to live in if all people are all leaders or followers or loners. It all depends on where you are most comfortable with and how much you are willing to take without jeopardizing your health, your happiness or your relationship with other people. It is also a matter of finding where you can be great at and being magnanimous in your greatness, too. As a quote from Mark Twain says, "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." For me, it is not just a matter of being great or being a leader or being a follower or being a loner. What is more important is being satisfied with what you got and you turned into a better person and made you happy.