no friend of mine

"Tattler". photo by Gina Matchinsky, Iowa City

J

January 23, 2014 question is "Do you need a break? From what?"

It took me a while to think what it is about my life that I need to take a break from. As it is, I am already in some kind of a hiatus already as I wait for my papers to get processed so I can start work and I am not burdened with an 8 to 5 job. Since I still don't have my children with me, I am also not saddled with the everyday routine of taking care of their daily needs and that definitely needs taking a break from from time to time. I just got married, so it is definitely not taking a break from my husband who is so easy to get along with and not at all demanding even when he is sick.

So what is it that I need to get a break from?

In my earlier post entitled, "Some things never change" http://loveandfreetobe.blogspot.com/2014/01/some-things-never-change.html, it tells of me being one of the boys when I was young. Back then I preferred playing with boys more than with girls. Probably it has got something to do with whom I got the most interaction with.

I grew up on a street surrounded by relatives with more male sons my age I got for cousins and I used to tag along and play with them. On that same street, there happened to be even more boys my age than girls, too. Being a daddy's girl also who used to tag along with dad whenever he attended auctions and conventions, I had the privilege to get introduced to his friends, and of course, they were male friends. So I even got to play board games with them several times when they visit us at home. So early in life I learned how to deal with them, felt more comfortable and get along well with them better than with girls my age or even older.

With boys or men, it was more straight-forward and predictable. No groupies, cliques or intrigues. They were more understanding or a lot more patient in explaining things. And when I compete or play games with them, victory was a lot sweeter after being most of the time underestimated. The best thing about it, I never got to hear myself talked about between them or anyone in a negative way. When good things happen to me, they were genuinely happy, too and there was no feeling of jealousy over my good fortune nor were there catty remarks to put me or pull me down.

Quite the opposite of what I experienced being in the company of a lot of female peers. Having studied in an exclusive for girls school in high school or even just the female classmates I had or female office mates or friends, I had some pretty unhappy experiences.

I remember a time when I had an argument with one female classmate and the next thing I knew, a lot of other female classmates were not talking to me anymore and I had nobody to eat lunch or go to the restroom with. How can that much people get influenced by just one person when they only heard just one side of the story? There were instances when if I did good in something, got praised or did well in class, all of a sudden I got a surprise treatment from a female friend being sarcastic and insulting when I had known her to be sympathetic when I was not doing well and having problems.

A lot of times I got really surprised by how unpredictable some could become. Like just the last time we talked we were joking and laughing out loud, and the next time we met she would not even talk to me and I was being ignored.

Just recently, I felt betrayed by a female friend who I thought was a well meaning one. The way she told other people her opinionated version of an issue is not the way friends are supposed to be treated. She used to be supportive and helpful when I was down but when things were good she acted differently.

And then there were female friends, too, who just made friends for what they thought they will get. Probably, some men, too, may have an ulterior motive when they make friends. I learned that when I got a little older but it is a lot easier for me to see through them to quickly dodge. But with female "friends", you sometimes just don't until you got betrayed. Probably I am just having a hard time to decipher and more vulnerable to girl friends because of the need to have a good one while guys I have not much effort at all to be friends with.

I just realized that when people talk behind your back, when you got treated negatively for no apparent reason, when you got condemned without them getting your side of your story, when people just hurt you and destroy your image and they were not supposed to be enemies but friends -- it  is probably the workings of envy or jealousy or their own feelings of insecurities. Not that there is much to be envied about my circumstance but sometimes people are just not satisfied with what they got. So I got hurt by it, I survived, I moved on but the most important thing is that I learned from it and now I know the people I can't trust.

So what do I need a good break from? It is probably, people who hid behind the veneer of friendship but who are not so well meaning after all. How I intend to deal with it? In the words of Booker Washington, "I shall not permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him." or her for that matter.

taking the plunge

"Taking the Plunge". photo by Gina Matchinsky, Freemont Street, Las Vegas, Nevada

January 22, 2013 question is "Are you seeking security or adventure?

There was a time when I used to be one of those kinds of people, Rainer Maria Rilke in his Letter to a Young Poet  describe as one who "knew only one corner of their room, one spot near the window, and one narrow strip on which they keep going back and forth."

When I was a child, I had a very protective father who would not let me sleep over on relative houses or join campings or attend field trips without an older and more responsible companion. When I was in my teens, I was not even allowed to attend parties without a chaperone if allowed at all. If allowed it was strictly up to a certain hour only and at that exact appointed time I got to be fetched by no other than my father himself and not a minute time extension whatsoever.

It was home to school and school to home and just going out from time to time during weekends with him for long walks at Rizal Park or the coastal areas along Roxas Blvd near the CCP complex in my early elementary days. I almost contracted polio and the doctor thought it would be a  good therapy to exercise the legs more to build muscles just to be safe.

In higher elementary, high school and college, I got to tag along with him to auctions and conventions because he was a numismatist. He thought I gave him luck in his dealings. Those weekends were fun because after that I got to be treated to good food and shopping galore and most of whatever I wanted I got. With him it was always a taxi ride and never a passenger jeepney commute that my mom made me ride every time we shopped after buying too many things..

I used to be sickly when I was small and while he earned a lot during those times, most of the money went to paying hospital bills and buying medicine. As a businessman with his own manufacturing company, we did not have Medicare benefits and health insurance were not that popular in the Philippines at the time. So that accounted for him being overly protective of me long after the time when I was not sickly anymore. So it was still basically school and home, and home and school and a few "monitored" diversions in between.

10 days after graduating college, I got a job, so after that it was home to work and work to home. The 3 of us siblings were not allowed to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend while we were still studying. So I was already working when I had my first boyfriend whom I married. After marriage, he preferred that I be a stay-at-home mom for the children so it was home and shopping, and shopping and home from then on.

So I had a pretty much sheltered and relatively secured life for the most part. I have not even toured most parts of the Philippines. I never even had the chance to explore the world or even my own personal potentials and possibilities.

So back to the question if I am seeking security or adventure - it is probably both.

But first let me define how I take security. I take it to mean being free from harm, danger, threat, fear or anxiety. But more importantly I take it as the feeling of being secured in a loved-one's love, and that there is still somebody there to catch me when I fall.

Having a father whose business folded just when I was about to go to college back then had been a trying experience for me after experiencing the "good life" our bag business had to offer. I don't want to go through the same feeling of uncertainty again. There was the anxiety that I would not be able to finish school college at the time and I so really wanted to. It even made me worry if there will be food on the table the next time.

Same thing happened with the father of my children who work as a freelancer. But it was not just worry about having food on the table the next time and the children being able to finish a college education. After him not allowing me to work so I can take care of the children properly or as how he wanted it, there was also the constant threat of him leaving me and the children and how that would make me the loser. Whenever there was an argument, he threatened to no longer work or to leave and he won each time. So I used to have a feeling of being dispensable and not being loved enough to matter so I left him. I don't want to go through the same feeling again.

After not being allowed to work and being treated unfairly just because, my motivation to work now is to be financially independent so I will not be so dependent again and controlled or treated so low and without respect. So maybe I seek that kind of security. I want to be secured enough to be independent but still stick to a relationship because I wanted to.

Also after having just 3 years of regular work experience and long years of intermittent freelance job and then stopping for a long time, there seems to be a feeling of insecurity in fitting in a regular 8 to 5 job again. So I also need to feel secure of being accepted no matter what.

As for being adventurous, I can go so long as it is not debilitating or life threatening and although there is risk, just calculated ones.

I think, I just had my share of "adventure" when I went to the United States all by myself for the first time and decided to alter the course of my life, which I hope will be for good. With that big step it changed the way I view the world, too. I realized that there is more to life than the everyday routine and safety or uncertainty of the four corners of the room I frequently stayed in back home. I now understand why white can't be all that white or black through and though black and how sometimes it has to be the color in between. I also discovered the free-spirited person in me surfaced after being used to living by a given set of conventions. It felt like a breath of fresh air after being stifled for so long.

So now I felt that I have missed on a lot -- a lot of "I have not seen that..." and "I have not done that...". So maybe with adventure it is more of seeing the world more, being less conventional in my views, experiencing things I have not experienced before, learning to actually live and taking the plunge to love again, the biggest adventure of all."

wings still intact...

"wings still intact..." photo by Gina Matchinsky, at the Henry Doorley Zoo, Omaha, Nebraska

January 21, 2014 question is "What are you looking forward to?"

Ever dreamed of late? I don't for quite sometime now.

Sleep researchers say that every 1 1/2 hours in between sleep we dream every sleeping time of our lives. People, like me, who say they don't simply just do not remember. Because the only times we recall our dreams was when it occurred right after we wake up and sometimes our minds were so preoccupied with many things to ever spare a thought.

There was a time I used to remember my dreams a lot. I even recall knowing I was dreaming and there were times when I was even able to control the happenings in the dream. That awareness that you are in a dream state is what was referred to as "lucid dreaming". It can be a "dream-initiated lucid dream" when while dreaming you realize that you are and a "wake-initiated lucid dream" when the awareness that you are dreaming came after  you woke up and then continued dreaming again. And I have experienced both so that just goes to show that at one point I dreamed and recalled them.

During those times I remember most of my nighttime dreams, I recall having too many  daytime dreams, too. Not much for myself, I dream mostly for my children. I longed for a happy and secure home for them. I so wished they would all finish a college degree. I prayed that they will be God-fearing and grow into a responsible and successful individuals. I dreamed that they will have a brighter and happy future.

Then one day, I just woke up to the thought that I have no control over any of those dreams to get realized especially the part about giving them a happy and secure home.

Giving them a secure home was hard enough already but what was harder was the happy side to it since it was already a living hell for me to stay in a house that I could no longer call home. That was the time when I started not recalling my night time dreams also.

But by accepting the things that are beyond my control, it cleared my mind and made me think no longer in terms of the dreamer's solutions, but more workable ones. I stopped brooding over the what might-have-beens and thought instead in terms of possibilities for the future.

The way Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. worded it has been an inspiration:
"Yet in opinions look not always back --
Your wake is nothing, mind the coming track;
Leave what you've done for what you have to do;
Don't be "consistent", but be simply true."

So back to the question of what am I looking forward to - I don't think I have much to look forward to because I view looking forward as already getting what you hope for for certain. But I still dare to hope and perhaps, I may still have a few dreams left, too - not the kind that needs recalling when I wake up. And probably I no longer recall nighttime dreams because of a busy mind working and getting too much preoccupied with more feasible stuff to ever have the time to entertain the thought or have the luxury of recalling things as trivial as dreams.

So not much of looking forward to but it is more of still being able to dream. I still dream of the dreams I had for my children, but now I also learned to dream of dreams for myself, too, and I am holding on to that dream. And as a quote by Langston Hughes says "Hold fast to dreams, for if a dream dies, life is a broken-winged bird, that can not fly." Sometimes it is the hope of realizing dreams that keeps people going - fly. It can even inspire them to soar.

So what do I dream for myself? John Lennon, Beatles singer and composer, once said that "A dream you dream alone is just a dream..." So it is the dream of building beautiful dreams together with someone that I dream of because it is only a dream you dream together that turns into reality.

no rat poison for me, please...

"Rat" photo by Gina Matchinsky at the Henry Doorley Zoo, Omaha, Nebraska

a
January 20, 2014 question is:  "Are you holding a grudge?"

Not everything goes smoothly in our lives. There were times when other people caused us not just simple disappointments but too much pain or anguish - times when we were deliberately caused harm or humiliation, when we were instilled fear, made us lose our self-esteem and our dignity, manipulated us, misled us, and even verbally and physically abuse us. Sometimes the people who do these things are even the ones who swear to love us and protect us, too. And we are just human not to feel hurt and betrayed.

When we feel we've been taken advantage of too much and while we are still in the middle of suffering from those abuses, it is at that point when we feel like bearing a grudge on people especially if what they did to us caused us irreparable damage.

We often hear people talk about grudge. It is a kind of ill feeling directed to a person who caused us harm or pain. So how do we know when we are actually holding a grudge?

I think for a simple resentment to turn into a grudge, it should be deep-seated. A grudge is a really strong feeling of hatred that do not fade or die down with time. It is firmly established so much so that it is difficult to change or curtail the feeling.  Some people even have ill will to go with the resentment, too.

In my life I had experienced how it was to be hurt so much by someone whom I have trusted, somebody who should be the one protecting and supporting me, and perhaps even loving me.

Too many might have-beens like what would it have been like if I had been allowed to have a regular job? Or what would it have been like if my first son did not die inside the womb? And the feeling that his death was attributed to the painful words somebody said to me -- what would it have been like if those words were not said? Or what would it have been like not to be expected to be like somebody else's mother and to be genuinely loved for being you? Or what it would have been like if me and my children had a loving, secure and happy home and not the opposite?

So many things that I won't be able to bring back. There was a time when I can only feel bitterness and anger for all the unhappiness somebody caused me. Too much time and effort and tears wasted for somebody who is not even worth it.

Then one day, I woke up wanting to change my circumstance. As  Jocelyn Murray says “Sometimes it takes great suffering to pierce the soul and open it up to greatness." Not that I have done anything great yet but I was able to tap my most daring self to make something good for the remainder of my life and the people I love.

I stopped feeling bitter from then on. I now think in terms of taking charge of my life. I realized most things happen because at one point we permit it to happen. Like I should not have let somebody else dictate how I should live my life or how I should define myself.

 There is sense in what Harvey Fierstein said "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." And I did.

Of course there were things that are beyond our control and we can't do anything about it. No amount of worrying or holding grudge would ever change these. So the best thing to do is just accept things, learn from your mistakes and move on.

It is like how you drive a car to reach your destination. You look at the windshield more than the rear view mirror. You only look at the rear view mirror as a precaution. To move on, we need to look more at what is ahead of us and not much of what had already been behind us, but it pays to check it once in a while to not forget the learnings from it that we had.

So to answer the question if I am holding a grudge? No, I don't. Holding a grudge is like a rat poison you take in the hope that the rat itself would die. And more often than not, that varmint is a bad rat and will die long after everybody else did. So there is no sense in me stressing and holding grudge over somebody even more after all the sufferings that person had already incurred. But I don't intend to make the same mistakes again.

not just another meal

"A bouquet of fresh fruits" photo by Gina Matchinsky.

January 19, 2014 question is: "List 3 foods you ate today."

It has always been a bouquet of fresh flowers and I have heard of a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils. In an email from NY152 to Shopgirl, he typed: "Don't you just love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address" from the movie, You've Got Mail. Being an artist, I'd love to receive a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils instead of flowers for a change. I think it is something cool, creative and thoughtful, too, especially if it is being sent to a writer or an artist.

And that's not where the bouquet things stop. When I went to Hyvee, I saw a bouquet of chocolates they sell as a Valentine gift. You can find some really expensive chocolate brands there, too, and getting a bunch of them - so sinfully good! But what I tried at a friend's potluck party, I liked a lot, also! It was a bouquet of fresh fruits - delectable minus the guilt. I think it was me who finished most of the strawberries there. So that was one of the food I had.

"Shrimp" photo by Gina Matchinsky

Another of the food I had today was lots and lots of shrimp.

When I was in Philippines, I don't eat shrimp much. I take it for granted because I know I can always buy them when I want one. It just took a trip to Coastal Road and buy at the Bulungan and I got really fresh seafood just right after they were caught. And having lived around these areas most of my life, I just know I will never run out of supply. Had I known that that status quo will not remain the way it was, I would have enjoyed all the fresh shrimps, crabs, squids and oysters, especially oysters, that my tummy could take.

"Dinuguan" photo by Gina Matchinsky

The third food I had at the potluck  was the "dinuguan". It is a Filipino dish made of pork meat (usually innards like the small intestines and the big intestines), pork blood, vinegar and green finger peppers. It is a little tricky to cook especially if you use the innards because it has to be cleaned thoroughly. It will not taste right, otherwise. Then you have to get the right consistency for the blood because it could have that gamy after-taste if you don't. Another tricky part was just how much vinegar you are going to put so it will be a tinge sour but not too sour.

So here's my dinuguan version. For me, I prefer to use pork meat instead of innards because that is one less difficulty. The pork should not be too lean for added flavor. I first cut the pork into small cubes including the fatty portions and have it really fried and crispy. After that I saute minced garlic and onions, then I add beef cubes. After the cube is dissolved and mixed well with all the other ingredients, then comes the pork blood.

The pork blood, by the way, has to be strained first. The jellied blood needs to be broken with the hand in a 1/4 to 1/2 cup of water. It has to be poured in first. I then let it simmer for a minute or so. After that I pour the rest of the pork blood and add about 5 to 6 green finger peppers, stirring as I do. After it simmer for about 7 minutes, I then add around 3/4 cup of vinegar. I cover it and then let simmer for another 7 minutes. Last but not least, I season it to taste with fish sauce, monosodium glutamate or msg and a little brown sugar. I stir it again and after a minute of low heat, then it's done!

It is really a good tasting food when done right and I think most Filipinos love it except of course those whose religion do not permit them to eat something that has got blood on it. It can be eaten with rice for lunch or supper. When eaten with "puto", some kind of rice cake, it is treated as just a "merienda" or a snack.

I'd say all the food I've eaten today were some kind of novelty considering where I am now. I enjoyed them and I hope people from different cultures will learn to enjoy them, too, especially the "dinuguan".  Cooked just right, everything was good! Bon appetit!

peacefully turbulent

"Peacefully Turbulent" photo by Gina Matchinsky, Red Rock Dam, Pella, Iowa

January 18, 2014 question is "What is peaceful about today?"

It was Saturday and for me it was supposed to be a relaxed kind of day - free to wake up as late as I want, do some chores I was not able to do on week days and just have a leisurely time with loved ones or friends.

Saturday is my day, too, for long leisurely bath and a kind of pamper myself day. That kind of day when you are not so in a hurry to make sure that you were able to put lotion on each and every part of your body, when you rub your facial cream more, the time when you pluck your excess eyebrows or what else there is to pluck or cut or file your nails and set your hair a little more meticulously longer. So leaving on a Saturday usually took a longer time of preparation.

My husband and I were supposed to go on a photo shoot on Saturday but when we got to where we want to shoot, it was really windy and with the snow it felt chilly, too. The forecast said it was supposed to get warmer after noon but it didn't. So no shoot just when my husband needed to get some relief from stress and taking pictures has always been his way to do so.

My husband decided we went to Target to just buy something really important for him which in my mind, I think he will not find there. So I decided to look around for other stuff, too. It is seldom I got to go out shopping since I still don't drive a car (this, I discover, was something you really need to get from one point to another in the U.S.) so whenever we go to a department store I was just so excited to look around. Shopping had always been how I de-stress back when I was in the Philippines and the weather on that day was enough to get people stressed out, too.

The shopping ended with both of us not being able to buy anything and troubled. We got home both frustrated and disappointed, and all the more stressed. We were disappointed at each other for our own personal reasons that no amount of hugging gave relief. Things seem peaceful on the surface but I fell asleep with a huge lump on my throat.

So it was actually a challenge to answer this question and say something worth anybody's while.

So what was peaceful about such a turbulent day? Peace begins with a smile, said Mother Teresa. What was peaceful for such a day would probably be the hope of being able to smile again...

some things never change

"One of the boys" photo by Feliciano B. Villanueva

January 17, 2014 question is: "What is the oldest thing you wear today?"

Having went to the United States just recently and having not brought a lot with me in terms of clothing but summer clothes and now being winter, most of the stuff I wear these days are fairly new. So it is just a matter of which ones I bought more recently than the other and it is a bit confusing to track which was first or last.

So the safest thing to answer this question with is the oldest thing I wear today is myself. The good old fashioned me I have always known for years.

This brings me to think about the old things about me that did not change with time. They are the oldest things I've been "wearing" up to now.

For one, I still love my mom's spaghetti and when she died I cook the same recipe.

And then I love Astrud Gilberto's songs as a child and I still do up to now.

I hum a lot as a child and as an adult, also. At first it has a melody of a song and as my mind gets more busy just a steady note which I don't even notice that I was doing. There were even instances when my siblings got frightened when they thought they were alone in the room and heard that when we were all kids. Even classmates who often sat beside me noticed that, too and also co-workers. And just recently my newlywed husband and sister-in-law, too!

As a girl I have never been comfortable wearing mini skirts or shorts, even if my mother always made wear those when I was a child. I just thought my legs are not nicely shaped enough. And up to now I still do!

Another thing is when I was a kid, I prefer playing with boys. It is just that with boys there are not much fuzz and intrigues, and no cliques! Now, I still find it a lot easier dealing with men than with women.

As a kid I also love wearing boots and now when the opportunity of wearing one came, here being extremely cold, I just discovered I still love that kind of thing.

One of the most recent oldest things I thought I no longer "wear" and has outgrown already is my being like a "girlish minx".

One of the happiest part of my life was when I was still a child and my father still doing good in his bag manufacturing business and him being indulgent most of the time. He used to make me tag along in all his business dealings because he believed it kind of gave him luck. And after that we will go out to eat or buy stuff  that I like. And it always happen that I extended his set limit for spending on that day. It can be food or clothes or toys or even just extending time on the playground. Me haggling and cajoling for a little bit more and him capitulating most of the time not because he can be easily sweet-talked or him not being firm, he just makes it a point to make me know he loved me too much not to. For all I know he already set a budget for haggled stuff but I just felt loved and indulged.

I have not done any haggling for a long time now. It stopped after my father lost his business and I thought I already outgrew it until recently. Sometimes, when I shop with my husband, that cheeky, minx girl just came out of the blue without me meaning it and even if I know it is not appropriate for my age already.

Some things never change, one just have to know better enough to take things graciously, see life in a more mature way and even learn to accept frustrations.

cash is king

"Cash is king". photo by Gina Matchinsky

January 16, 2013 question is - Do you owe someone money? Does someone owe you money?

Today's question is another of those not really apt question to ask me at this point. For one, if it can be helped, I don't want to borrow money and for another, I just moved to a new place so I am pretty new where I am for people to borrow me money from.

If it can be helped, I don't even want to buy using a credit card. It feels like spending money you still haven't earned. What my father inculcated in my mind when I was a kid was to always try to live within my means. Had I been under his wing still, I know he will not permit me to use a credit card.

That got me thinking about the purpose of credit cards. A friend said it is safer because you don't need to bring too much cash. And not much problem with giving exact change or counting back your change, too. But then you can also do that with a debit card.

Even with the perks of having a credit card like a cash back of 1-5% or investment rewards or earning money through point system or frequent flyer miles, they only give substantial benefit if one spends or travel more.

I think credit cards are good for businesses so you can start one or sustain one if you don't have the immediate cash you need. You get to have a spending money at the time you need it for something that will eventually produce a bigger profit for you to pay what you owe.

It is also good for building up credit rating and a little more safer than debit in cases of fraud. The grace period for the money borrowed allows money to grow a little bit more if you have high yield checking account, too. It is also more universally accepted in hotel and car rentals, too, than debit cards. So they work better for people who are good in juggling money, have more money and are in business to make more money.

But to an average Joe or Juan who are not good in math and projecting future earnings, they are more likely to spend so much more than they are capable of quickly paying back.

Unlike spending actual money, a card is just a swipe away. Money are just figures and it is so easy to forget you are dealing with money making one easily overspend. Since you can satisfy your wants anytime, there is a tendency to overindulge. It weakens control over impulse buying and you end up buying more of the things you don't need. Credit cards also makes the cost higher because more often merchants just raise their prices to cover the cost of credit card surcharges that even cash paying people ended up paying.

Which brings me to the question, to owe or not to owe? Not being very good in math myself, I think it might be a good thing to use credit cards for big purchases that you really take note of to finish paying first before buying another one just to have a good credit rating and then reserve it in cases of emergencies. Other than that paying in cash will be fine since I might get in trouble keeping track of debit expenses, too.

So back to the question if I owe money or anybody owing me one? Zero. Maybe depth of gratitude or "utang na loob", I have plenty but that's another story. As for me, cash is still king.

coffee, tea or me?

"Coffee, tea or me?" photo by Gina Matchinsky.
One of the art pieces from the 2013 Des Moines Arts Festival

January 15, 2014 question is: "On the scale of 1 to 10, how was your lunch today?"

After sleeping 4:30am already the day before, this morning I woke up 8:30am. Just 4 hours of sleep and my regular sleep hours is 8. I just straightened up stuffs around the house for a bit, had my usual Kellog's cornflakes breakfast and then proceeded writing my story for yesterday's post.

It was around 11:30am when I finished and I still needed to prepare myself for a visit to a friend's house so I just drank tea and took a bath, then called some people and then finish my final preparation routine in time for me to get picked up and delivered to my destination. My next food intake was half a Hershey bar eaten inside the car on the way to a friend. So for lunch time it was just tea.

Between drinking tea or coffee, I prefer tea. I guess it is the aftertaste of coffee that I don't like much. It is something warm to drink that I very much appreciate on a cold winter day. You feel warm inside and cleansed and light after a drink.

My love for tea started when I first got pregnant with my eldest daughter. It was a NO NO to take medication for diarrhea when one is pregnant and my tummy often has a hard time digesting food I ate resulting to tummy trouble. A friend told me to drink tea with sugar and to my surprise that always did the trick! No need to take Diatabs or Imodium or Alka Seltzer. Just around 2 cups of tea with sugar and I'm fine.

Another incident that tea helped was when I had my ulcers or bouts of hyperacidity. I just eat crackers, my most favorite brand is Sky Flakes, drink my Lipton tea with sugar and that relieves the stomach pain and stops me from going to the restroom a lot.

When I have a fever, a nice warm tea with honey can help me sweat to keep the temperature low, too.

On long trips and when I am not quite sure if the food there will agree with my tummy, I always order iced tea just to make sure that whatever it is that might cause problem will already get stopped from developing.

When I was in the Philippines, I used to drink a variety of Twinings tea. The nice thing about it is they come in different flavors. I tried the Chamomile, Earl Grey, Green Tea, Black Tea, Irish Breakfast, Cinnamon, Cranberry, Blueberry, Raspberry and many others. But nothing beats my honest-to-goodness, 100% Natural Lipton tea that is my tummy trouble one-man-band cure.

So on the scale of 1 to 10 and 10 being the top score, on a cold winter day with not much activity and needing to diet and had to go out, I would rate my tea lunch, 10 for being just what I needed at the time.

a leader or a follower?

"... the really great can make you feel that you, too, can become great." photo by Gina Matchinsky

January 14, 2014 question is: Are you a leader or a follower?

It is said that you can't be a good leader without being a good follower and a lot of the characteristics of a good leader can be found in a good follower, too. They just have a little difference in approach.

So before answering whether I am one or the other, let me detail how I believe a great leader and a great follower approach the following:

VISION
Great leaders do not only have a good plan and the most effective way to execute them. They must also be creative enough to articulate or express them in ways that would make each and every follower understand.
Great followers are better in interpreting a plan and finding various solutions to execute the vision laid out for them.

PASSION
Great leaders are endowed with great passion and enthusiasm to go for a vision or an ambition. They have that drive and focus to go forward with persistence and determination towards a goal boldly clearing the obstacles along the way and infecting and inspiring others to follow suit.
Great followers boldly follow suit in the path set out for them. They can be driven by personal gain, benefits and opportunities that can be had in realizing a goal.

REMUNERATION
Leaders, in pursuit of a vision, deliver more than they are paid for.
Followers in pursuit of recognition, delivers what is expected of them.

DECISION MAKING
Great leaders are committed people. They decide firmly but not rigidly. They are good in breaking down problems to smaller parts before finding a solution without being stiff about it. They listen to everyone's idea and are flexible while still getting in control of the situation to make a speedy but not hasty decision.
Great followers can articulate well the much needed feedback like what works and what doesn't for the leaders to form better decision and they accept such decisions gracefully.

ACCOUNTABILITY
Great leaders take full responsibility for failures or sub-standard performance of subordinates.
Great followers support other co-workers and accepts liability over their area of responsibility.

TIME MANAGEMENT
Great leaders knows how to use time to his or her advantage and delegate people in the team. They have patience and give importance to long term goals than short ones. They know how to make a balance between being fast and better delivery.
Great followers have the ability to sustain a steady delivery of quality performance and concentrating more on the detail and the methodical way of doing things.

GRATIFICATION
Great leaders are team builders. They glory in the entire team's success and give credit to whom it is due.
Great followers concentrate more on working and following the vision to its completion regardless of where the idea came from or who will get credited for it.

COURAGE
Great leaders have the courage and determination to deal with the unknown and blaze their trails for others to follow.
Great followers supports and follows the leader even to the unknown while still reserving the right to stand up for the values they uphold and stand for.
Critical thinking and being able to stand for what is right are important qualities of both good leader and good follower.

TOLERANCE
Good leaders has sympathy, patience and understanding. They give allowance for people's mistakes. They allow people to grow and develop through their own approach and whatever works best for them.
Good followers accepts that leaders are people, too and not perfect and make allowance for such mistakes and even failure, too.

COMPLIANCE
Great leaders know how to abide by the rules for order, structure and discipline.
Great followers know how to follow rules and be smart enough to work it to their advantage.

HUMOR
Great leaders know enough to be humble and to even laugh at themselves to encourage a pleasant work environment. Humor is sometimes an essential part of driving delicate or critical points tactfully and without being harsh.
Great followers builds camaraderie with team mates through humor to lighten the mood or elevate people's spirits with humor being delivered with a grain of respect.

GRATITUDE
Great leaders know the importance of giving recognition and credit where it is due.
Great followers shows appreciation for the opportunity to learn and be part of a team's success, and acknowledges the risk and sacrifice the leaders took to get there.

DEPENDABILITY
Great leaders are trusted to be able to stir towards the right direction. So part of their being dependable is knowing which way to go. It means having the organizational skills, mastery of details and knowledge, and being able to deliver and reach their goal.
Great followers are counted on to be professional enough to deliver at an appointed date, place and time. They are expected to be cooperative and be able to work well with a team.
Be it a leader or follower, dependability is an essential trait that differentiate excellence from the mediocre.

TRUSTWORTHINESS
Great leaders knows the balance between being honest enough to be trusted and not too candid enough to be tactless. People believe and like working for leaders they can trust. They trust them to be fair and have good judgment.
Great followers practice honesty in all dealings in their area of function. Be it being humble enough to admit that you can't handle some task, or being able to deliver when you say you would or just being honest with the time and effort you give to a particular task.
Trustworthiness is very important criteria whether one is a leader or just a follower.

EMPATHY
Great leaders feel the needs and wants of people. They listen. It is how great leaders win people's trust, too. It requires not just good people skills but justice, genuine empathy and sensitivity to other people. Great leaders don't treat some people one way and some people the other. They have to have an honest-to-goodness concern and have positive feelings for people because their deepest thoughts and feelings radiate so the people around them can readily sense how they truly are. Great leaders express concern without being condescending, too.
Great followers express genuine interest for other people. It is how they build trust and good rapport with them. It is being perceptive enough to know how to listen and feel enough for them to know when to shut up or to talk and knowing the right words to make them feel that they really care.

Leaders do not become leaders overnight. They can't be a leader unless they become a good follower first at any given point in their lives because a lot of the traits that make good followers make for being good leaders, too. And there are even great followers who have the potential to become great leaders who just doesn't want to become one.

Those being outlined and back to the question. Am I a leader or a follower?

Having said that, I know I am capable enough to achieve goals on my own. On the other hand, I can also be in harmony with other people to work with me to pursue a goal if need be. And I have a lot of experiences where I was able to motivate people to make the best out of themselves and stir them in the right direction.

So knowing what I am capable of, how I can be really determined and creative when I want to or how I can be free-spirited and be a lone wolf in my pursuits, or how I can cooperate and be a people person when need be - I can say that I am capable of being a good leader or a follower or a loner depending on my motivation.

For me, neither being a leader or a follower or a loner is the best choice. The world will not be a good place to live in if all people are all leaders or followers or loners. It all depends on where you are most comfortable with and how much you are willing to take without jeopardizing your health, your happiness or your relationship with other people. It is also a matter of finding where you can be great at and being magnanimous in your greatness, too. As a quote from Mark Twain says, "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." For me, it is not just a matter of being great or being a leader or being a follower or being a loner. What is more important is being satisfied with what you got and you turned into a better person and made you happy.

magic gondola ride

"Gondola". photo by Gina Matchinsky, the  Venetian, Las Vegas, Nevada

January 13, 2014 question is "Where do you want to travel next?"

Not the place I'd like to travel next but one of the places I want to be able to visit in my lifetime would be Rome and the Vatican City. Being an artist and a Catholic, I would like to one day visit  the Vatican City and see St. Peter's Basilica and the Sistine Chapel. I would love to actually see what I just read in books and know the actual feel of the place. I hope to see the actual paintings of well known Renaissance painters, the more well known of which is Michaelagelo who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. And I would not want to miss making a wish at the Trevi Fountain, too!

Next stop is a date with Michaelangelo's David in Florence and a visit to the Fountain of Neptune and Brunelleschi's Dome. I'd love to see Boticelli's Birth of Venus and Caravaggio's Medusa among others. It would be a treat to have a shopping expedition at Ponte Vecchio, a bridge across Agno River that is lined with gold and silver jewelry shops while trying honest-to-goodness Italian gelato.

I would also not miss the chance of seeing the Shroud of Turin and would also be curious about Sicily, famous for mafia stuff and its eclectic culture blend.

Cinque Terra would be a breath-taking place to take pictures. Imagine 5 towns all situated on a cliff overlooking the ocean!

Other awesome sites I'd like to take photos of are Capri on the Gulf of Naples and Sorrento located on the Bay of Naples. They are both excellent summer destinations, with active sea sports activities and rich history.

For a taste of medieval architecture, I'd like to maybe spend a day in San Gimignano. And for the best preserved medieval and Rennaisance towns, hills and landscapes maybe a day in Abruzzo, too.

Last but definitely not the least, my "Roman Holiday" will not be complete without a visit to Venice, the city of lovers. It would be cool to hangout at St. Mark's Square and take photos of pigeons or stroll tiny alleys. I have tried a gondola ride in Las Vegas with the gondolier singing O' Sole Mio under the bridge with a loved one. I wonder how it would feel like actually traversing Venice on a gondola or a vaporetti or a traghetto with a loved one and the gondolier singing Torna de Surriento a la Luciano Pavarotti for a change and kissed under each bridge at night?

these are a few of my favorite things...

"With this ring, I thee wed..." photo by Gina Matchinsky

January 12, 2014 question is:  What  is your  favorite accessory?

When it comes to accessories, I have several that I almost always can't be caught wearing without when I go out.

First is my pair of sunglasses, a must because I get teary-eyed when the sun is too bright. A pair of sunglasses or eyeglasses is not just something utilitarian, it is also something that I like to go on top of my head like some kind of signature look.

Another must wear for me are my watch and a pair of earrings. They are something a Filipina going out would be incomplete without.

Third, is a must since I almost always wear low-rise jeans, a belt. I mostly prefer my white plastic one because it is light weight and I like wearing white earrings so they match.

Another is my rose quartz Snake year bracelet. It is something I wear all the time even to bed and in the shower. In the Chinese Feng Shui, being born under the Year of the Snake, it is something that is supposed to make me lucky in the area where the stone is really good for. I wear it all the time, even when I was still in the Philippines.

I picked the rose quartz because it is a crystal of unconditional love. It is known to heal wounds, fears, ill feelings and worries of the heart so one can truly give and receive love from others. It also stimulates one's aesthetic appreciation not only in the arts, music and the written word but it inspires appreciation of the beauty in nature, in oneself and in others as well. Rose quartz are even known to encourage better interpersonal relationship be it a loved one, one's family and friends or even a group or community connection. Being a stone of love, tenderness and even sensuality, it is an altogether calming and comforting crystal that is excellent for trauma, crisis, grief or any emotional upheaval and even good for getting a good night sleep - just what I need most at this point in my life.

Last but not the least and more importantly, the latest addition to my favorite accessories - my wedding ring. When my husband and I first met in person when he went to the Philippines for the first time, he was already carrying our wedding ring with him as a token of his honorable intentions. It is a combination of white gold and yellow gold with no stone which we both prefer so we can wear it all the time as wedding rings are meant to be worn with not much inconvenience or worry. A Celtic ring and an infinity ring at the same time, it is a symbol of enduring love like we have always wished for, a perfect symbol of how we meant for things to happen for all our lives and beyond.

.

what i finally found

"My freedom and  my home". A souvenir photo from the Titanic Artifacts Exhibition, Las Vegas, Nevada

January 11, 2014 question is: "Today you lost ________"

Everyday it is getting tougher and tougher posting answers according to my 365 Q & A book. The challenge here is not knowing what a particular day holds for you to be able to prepare answers or posts in advance. You need to go through the day up to the end of it and answer the question the best you can. That is a little difficult considering how some questions are not particularly apt to the happenings of that day.

Take today's question for example, I don't have anything in particular that I lost today. I wish it was weight but no such luck. And I have not been losing in any of the Scrabble games I played these days with my husband and friends, just yet, either.

But thinking of what I lost today made me think of all that things I have lost in life. There was a point in my life when it felt like I already lost everything. I lost my first son, he died because of what they call "accident" inside the womb when he was 8 months old.

As if losing my first son was not enough just 2 months after that I lost my father, too. It was a really big blow for me because I had always been a "daddy's girl" and I knew how it felt like to be really loved because of him.

Then my mother died a few years after. Through all my trials she had always been my only support. It was only my mother who I know accepted me fully as I am at the time and will see after my welfare in genuine concern. It was tough losing her after having a lot of trials already. Even if I have 2 siblings, when our mother died never have I felt so alone. She used  to be my link to my brother and sister, when she died I felt alienated. I knew I already lost my family.

As if those were not heartache enough I have an ex-husband who had never been supportive. He never believed in me and my art. I had always been criticized because I could not measure up to how "great" his  mother is as a home-maker and mother for him. I know I've done a good job with my children nurturing them and guiding them with regards to the right values formation and direction in life but all he can see was the house that should have been as his mother kept it and the food the way his mother has always cooked it.

He never supported my career and stopped me from working. It is not as if what he was earning was enough to support even the basic family needs. It had always never been and if not for my very tight budgeting and seeking help from relatives and friends, my eldest daughter would not have been able to finish college and we were only paying half of the tuition fee since she was a consistent Dean's Lister at the time.

I lost my dreams, too. When I was a child, I just wanted a  happy home. I wanted  the ideal. That was why I never had a boyfriend before my ex-husband. I want the first to be the last. That was also the reason why I put up with being a stay-at-home mom and just doing a little freelance work. I want to keep the family - have a happy home.

But then the home was never happy with him in it. When things did not get his way, it will not matter whether it was Christmas or my birthday or any of the children's birthday, he will say derogatory and hurtful things not even connected to the point of argument and he doesn't care where we are and who heard it. He even threw things when he was angry. That was why I never bought another airpot again.

He even hurt people physically, too, at least me and my children. There was one time when he hit me with a squeegee mop handle around 8 or more times in front of my two daughters and the maid because I threatened to leave after he slapped me in front of them, too. When argument starts he always criticize my parents on how they raised me. He slapped me on the face the first time I answered back and said things about the way his parents brought him up, too. But I did not exaggerate, I just told him what I observed and what he even acknowledged before as true. He probably got offended when I said it in front of the maid and the children. And when he spoke about my parents they were all exaggerations and are mostly untrue and what makes it worse is the maid and my daughters were hearing them that was why I answered back.

After the mop hitting incident, instead of me leaving the house he left for a week but his parents contacted mine and my parents asked me to take him back for the children's sake because I don't have a job to support them all by myself. But then he was never sorry he did that to me. After that whenever there was an argument, he will say he will not work anymore end of discussion, he always won. And when ever I told him I will find a job, he kept saying that if I work he will stop. And he knew that if I start working again, it will be a lot lower than what he was getting and would all the more be not enough to support the family.

I felt I lost not only family but friends, too. Whenever I go out to visit  my parent's home when they were still alive which was about 1 to 1 1/2 hours commute time due to traffic. He always called my younger sister who used to live with my parents and asked her what time I will be home just when I got there and was just about to enter the house. So that kind of stopped me going there much because it was tiring and useless staying there for so short period of time after long hours of travelling. My siblings felt like I was never there when they needed me the most and there was not much family togetherness on my side of the family but he can always go to his parents' house, bring the kids there (at least the 2 youngest ones) and stay there overnight whenever he wanted.

He didn't like me going out with friends either even if they were just for a get-together like birthday or Christmas parties or any celebration even if it was just within the neighborhood. Even if he is not in full possession of information about people around, he always found something not nice about them that makes it not okay for me to be with them. He said things like that neighbor is an addict just by their appearance or that neighbor is whorish just by way they dress or that neighbor is a member of a syndicate just because he saw a group of male neighbors getting together and there were not even proof. There was even a time when my female neighbor friends celebrated a Christmas get-together and the venue was just right in front of our house and he would not let me attend. He told me he will not open the door if I did. So I got alienated with my friends and even neighbors, too.

He was always the one threatening to leave me. I have never told him I would leave him even at the time when I actually left. He always made it a point for me not to forget, in all  arguments, that he was the one working hard to feed the family and what I do for the family is not important - like I can be easily replaced by a maid. He even told me that I would be the loser if he left  me after all the sacrifice I did to keep the family. He can pretty much say what he wanted to say to me be it something to degrade my parents, or lower me and my children's self-esteem. He always frighten me and my children by threatening to throw our things out of the house and sometimes he did. He had trashed my important files on our computer, too, to save disk space, like only his files were the only ones that were important. There were times when he gave me the dirty finger or throw anything he can get a hold of at me not caring whether or not it would hit me and I got hit a couple of times right in front of the children when he was angry. So I lost his love and respect, too.

The last straw was when he started taking the children to his  parent's place and he never told me where it was because they just moved to a new apartment. He lost his old mobile phone and never gave me the number of the new one so I could not contact them when they were there. He brought them there to spend the Christmas break and the school vacation. He was able to take the 2 younger ones but the eldest always opt to stay with me. My eldest is no longer a juvenile and is working already and pretty much independent so he can't just force her to do as he told. I felt that taking them as he did, I am beginning to lose my children, too, because according to my younger daughter who went with them, his mother and sister were saying nasty things about me.

So I don't have enough means to support myself and the children because at my age it was hard already to get a job in my line as graphic designer in the Philippines because companies prefer younger applicants. So I lost time, too. I can never go back to the time I could have had a better career and grow from there.

It was no longer a home, too, where  he threatens to throw all my stuff. I no longer have the happy home I dreamed of, and I could not envision myself being happy growing old with him.

At that point, I felt I already lost everything. That was when I started to feel free because there was nothing else to lose. So it was true enough what Aleksadr Solzhenitsyn said. "You only have power over people so long as you don't take everything away from them. But when you robbed a man of everything, he's no longer in your power - he's free again."

So to answer the question, thinking about this question so much, I lost a day of blog because it was already on the 12th that I was able to post this.

But contemplating on all the things I lost and missed in life made me all the more thankful for what I have found. I finally found my home.

keeping the faith

"Keeping the faith". photo by Matthew Matchinsky

January 10, 2014 question is: "Write down something that inspires you today."

It is reading a quote by St. Augustine of Hippo (354-430), a theologian and bishop that got me inspired today. It says "Faith is to believe that which you do not yet see; and the reward of this faith is to see that which you believe." I have just experienced this to be true and now confident that nothing is impossible, just always stick to your goal and keep the faith.

The chances of me and my husband being able to get married was just around 10% at the time when we got to know each other.

For one, I was still married in the Philippines and in the middle of a bad family situation at the time. I am Catholic and there is no divorce in the Philippines and the annulment can take years and years to happen, if it will happen at all.

Second we just met on Facebook. I have a photography group in the Philippines and one of my suitors added a lot of foreign photographers to the group, like around 250 or so in one day just to please me, he was one of them. And knowing how people can be deceptive in social networking sites, it was a great risk not knowing him in person and vice versa. But he was in the opposite side of the world and had a fear of flying, too. He lives in one of the states in the U.S. where it snows plenty and gets really cold. I have lived in the Philippines all my life and had never wanted or contemplated living in a cold place. It was not even on my list of places I'd like to visit because in my younger years I used to join rallies against U.S. Imperialism and their bases.

When he finally got the nerve to fly, the next obstacle was getting me to the United States, filing for a divorce so we can finally get married.

On his birthday last December 2013, instead of a cake, he had a cupcake with 2 candles on it, 1 red and 1 blue. It was what he blew to make a birthday wish. When the flames of each candle merged together, he just knew his wish would come true and  we have kept the faith until it did. November 12, 2014, our hearts and souls were merged as one, his wish came true, we finally got married.

beneath the facade

just another LSS

"Seven Years". photo by Gina Matchinsky

January 7, 2013 question is: What song is stuck in your head?

Ever heard of an LSS? Not Life Safety Services, but an Internet slang that means singing random song you last heard whether you like the song or not. This acronym stand for Last Song Syndrome. It is cool when the last song you heard is a pretty nice one but the down side to it is when the song happens to be the most crappy or corny or pathetic song but catchy nevertheless and you can't help unconsciously singing or humming it on and on.

But nothing corny or crappy for my LSS for the day. The last song that got stuck on my head up to now in fact, is a song I like a lot and can identify with at one point in my life - the song "Seven Years". It was composed by Lee Alexander and Norah Jones is the vocalist. The lyrics are as follows:

Seven Years

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
Her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone

Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
That comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her
Favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone.

And here is a video of the song performed by Norah Jones and her band. Enjoy! Hope it will be your LSS, too!

lucky and oh so wonderfully blessed

"12 round ones for luck in the New Year" photo by Gina Matchinsky

January 7, 2014 question is: You are lucky; how so or not so? 

Let me first define what luck is? According to dictionary definition, luck is a fortuitous event that just happened by chance. It is associated with good fortune that does not have a logical circumstance like hitting a jackpot or a sudden windfall or manna from heaven. It is instant success without hard work that is why people resort to all sorts of things just to get lucky. There are lucky charms, amulets or talismans and even feng shui stuff for good luck or to ward off bad luck.

So do I consider myself lucky?

I'd like to think of being lucky as being blessed though. I take it as good and great things that God permit to happen in my life. In that sense, I know I am. And those are the times in my life that I felt deep in my heart that there is a God and even with all my trials and tribulations, faults and imperfections, that He still loves me and blesses me.

There were many instances that I felt blessed but there are 2 that stands out the most and show striking proof.

I have 3 children right now. Eldest is a girl, middle child is another girl and the youngest is a boy born in 2005. But before my youngest son, I had another son who died inside my womb on my 8th month of pregnancy in 2003. Having 2 girls already at the time, I want to know what it felt like to have a son. When the ultrasound result came and I learned it was a boy, I was overjoyed. But the pregnancy was so difficult. I felt so tired all the time and my tummy got upset with most food but the food I can tolerate caused me allergies. So I got thinner and gaunt looking and I had allergies on the soles of my feet I had to crawl on all fours because it was so painful to put weight on the soles even just to go to the bathroom. But I bore everything because of the thought of my first son. Only that son died inside the womb on the 8th month because of the knot on the umbilical cord that tightened. He was not strangled, just no more sustenance getting to him because of the knot. How could there be a knot there when the other side was the placenta connected to the baby itself on the other end attached to the navel through the umbilical cord? Like some kind of hand tied it there. After all that I went through and for him to die just like that was too much. If he was not meant to be, why let me suffer so much?

On the way home from the hospital I was crying real hard and screaming even if it hurts a lot not caring about the possibility of the stitches opening (I had a CS operation because there was no contraction). A lot of women coming out of the hospital had babies in their arms on the way home, I didn't.

I got home to a closet full of baby things ready and my breast aching with milk and no baby.

Since then, I cringe seeing women with babies and women with little sons. They have what was taken away from me. I stopped my freelance business like some sort of protest act. I even wrote on my diary then that I want to know in my lifetime the why for Leo James, because that was how I would have named him. I felt God had been unfair. He could have taken the sons of those who want to abort their children, why mine when I have always been a devoted mom to my children, me who wanted that son so much?

Then I got pregnant with another son again in 2005 who successfully made it through without mishap. And just like a miracle, my expected delivery date for him was exactly the same day as the one I lost, October 10 just a different year but I had him a week earlier since it was my 4th CS operation already and they fear the baby will grow more and might rapture my already thin womb.

So my youngest son was born on October 3, 2005 instead. And it felt like actually showing me that I got a replacement. And he is a good boy, too, and is so smart! Probably giving me a smarter kid so I will not have a hard time teaching another child. That boy restored my faith, made me acknowledge how all knowing God is and how he works all His grand purpose in His own time. It made me realize that God loves me enough not to let me lose faith. He restored my son to me and that made me live again.

Another instance that I felt blessed was when God permit for me and my soul mate to meet and got married. He was on the opposite side of the world and had a fear of flying. I was still married and in a bad situation. But he was able to overcome his fear of flying and went to the other side of the world just to meet me. And I was able to fly to his other side of the world to go to him which was not an easy feat considering the number of people rejected to even enter that other side of the world. I hurdled several tough interviews just to get through. Then I was able to get my divorce which would have cost us so much but we were able to get it without spending exorbitant amount and finally got married. I know that they would not have happened so smoothly and in a short span of time if it is not God's will. And by making it happen, I felt really blessed, and loved, and lucky.

So to answer the question, among other instances, I feel so lucky and wonderfully blessed for that other chance to live and the second chance to love.

waiting

"Waiting" photo by Gina Matchinsky

January 6, 2014 question is: Today was tough because...

The day our cat, Eartha Kitty, died a  couple of days ago was one really tough day. It was so stressful I think it left me a line or two in the middle of my brows. I had a headache also and I felt a lump on my throat that stayed there for a long while.

But today is nothing extra-ordinarily tough. In fact it was just a usual day at home. I did some chores, worked on my photos, checked my Facebook and my Blogger account and posted some entries. It has been really cold for quite  a while now since it is winter but not at all that tough if you just stay home and got really bundled up, heated and humidified.

So what makes this particularly ordinary day tough?

Probably, all the usual things that has always been making my every day tough.

For people who are stay-at-home moms or dads, or, wives or husbands, it is tough worrying about the safety of loved-ones right after the time they got out of your sight or leave your door step. A lot of unpleasant or even horrible things can happen. There is the travel, the weather and a lot of things that can go wrong that are beyond one's control. And all one can do is just wait patiently, have faith and pray. One only get to let out a sigh of relief when a loved-one gets safely back home again. At  least you get respite from this kind of worry every night and during weekends.

But that is not the only worry of stay-at-home people, like me, in an average day. For those people who are miles and miles apart from loved ones, they worry about the thought of not being able to do anything for their loved ones in case of emergency, or the passing of time that they are not together, or the thought of not seeing their loved ones ever again.

Being a stay-at-home person and being away from loved ones, too, these will always be a part of an everyday worry no matter how uneventful a day is.

So what makes a particularly ordinary day like this tough for me? It is tough waiting for loved ones to finally come home.

somewhat like Jollibee

January 5, 2014 question is "What was the last restaurant you went to?

Culver's ButterBurger "The Original"

We went for a drive yesterday and when lunch time came, just happened to be near Culver's in South West 14th. I have never been there so we decided to have our lunch there.  Whenever I go to a new restaurant, I try to pick the restaurant's specialty or the one they are most known for, so I tried their "The Original" ButterBurger. According to their advertisement, they only use fresh Midwest-raised beef - never frozen, and seared on a grill just right after you order with real Wisconsin cheddar, too! on a toasted lightly buttered bun. They are so proud of it, they say they will never change a thing.

And do you know what it taste like, at least, the juiciness of the patty and the lightly toasted bun part of it?

Let me first say that they are right in not changing a thing about it because for one the size is just right, unlike other restaurants that give you one meal with a size that can replete more than 2 or 3 people already. Another thing is, eating that burger kind of reminds me of Jollibee and it goes without saying that most Filipinos prefer Jollibee than any other food chain in the Philippines, Mc Donald's included.

eartha kitty

"Eartha Kitty", June 25, 2013. photo by Gina Matchinsky

January 4, 2014 question is: The best part of the day...

Sometimes, life circumstance can make cruel jokes on people. Today, our cat, Eartha Kitty who should have been 17 years old next month, just died. She had been having arthritis and being given pain medicine, and all of a sudden her kidney just stopped functioning. She can no longer pass water and stool, and her legs could no longer support her body much. She was probably in so much pain so much that it came to the point when she stopped eating altogether and the pain medicine seemed to no longer have any effect on her.

It was a draining day and we've been crying a lot for the most part. The saddest part was seeing her go and the thought of not anymore seeing those green, pensive eyes. She will be sorely missed.

With that occupying the most part of the day, it is kind of ironic that I have this question to answer on this really sad time of our lives. But I know things happen for a reason and probably this is a test of how I can still maintain that good feeling deep inside despite the odds. So what could be the best part of this sad, sad day?

Probably, it would be the thought that she is no longer in pain and that our little baby had lived a long and pretty much comfortable life. She had been a good pet and had made her human happy for the most part of her life and I think she definitely earned her reward in the after life and there after.