no friend of mine

"Tattler". photo by Gina Matchinsky, Iowa City

J

January 23, 2014 question is "Do you need a break? From what?"

It took me a while to think what it is about my life that I need to take a break from. As it is, I am already in some kind of a hiatus already as I wait for my papers to get processed so I can start work and I am not burdened with an 8 to 5 job. Since I still don't have my children with me, I am also not saddled with the everyday routine of taking care of their daily needs and that definitely needs taking a break from from time to time. I just got married, so it is definitely not taking a break from my husband who is so easy to get along with and not at all demanding even when he is sick.

So what is it that I need to get a break from?

In my earlier post entitled, "Some things never change" http://loveandfreetobe.blogspot.com/2014/01/some-things-never-change.html, it tells of me being one of the boys when I was young. Back then I preferred playing with boys more than with girls. Probably it has got something to do with whom I got the most interaction with.

I grew up on a street surrounded by relatives with more male sons my age I got for cousins and I used to tag along and play with them. On that same street, there happened to be even more boys my age than girls, too. Being a daddy's girl also who used to tag along with dad whenever he attended auctions and conventions, I had the privilege to get introduced to his friends, and of course, they were male friends. So I even got to play board games with them several times when they visit us at home. So early in life I learned how to deal with them, felt more comfortable and get along well with them better than with girls my age or even older.

With boys or men, it was more straight-forward and predictable. No groupies, cliques or intrigues. They were more understanding or a lot more patient in explaining things. And when I compete or play games with them, victory was a lot sweeter after being most of the time underestimated. The best thing about it, I never got to hear myself talked about between them or anyone in a negative way. When good things happen to me, they were genuinely happy, too and there was no feeling of jealousy over my good fortune nor were there catty remarks to put me or pull me down.

Quite the opposite of what I experienced being in the company of a lot of female peers. Having studied in an exclusive for girls school in high school or even just the female classmates I had or female office mates or friends, I had some pretty unhappy experiences.

I remember a time when I had an argument with one female classmate and the next thing I knew, a lot of other female classmates were not talking to me anymore and I had nobody to eat lunch or go to the restroom with. How can that much people get influenced by just one person when they only heard just one side of the story? There were instances when if I did good in something, got praised or did well in class, all of a sudden I got a surprise treatment from a female friend being sarcastic and insulting when I had known her to be sympathetic when I was not doing well and having problems.

A lot of times I got really surprised by how unpredictable some could become. Like just the last time we talked we were joking and laughing out loud, and the next time we met she would not even talk to me and I was being ignored.

Just recently, I felt betrayed by a female friend who I thought was a well meaning one. The way she told other people her opinionated version of an issue is not the way friends are supposed to be treated. She used to be supportive and helpful when I was down but when things were good she acted differently.

And then there were female friends, too, who just made friends for what they thought they will get. Probably, some men, too, may have an ulterior motive when they make friends. I learned that when I got a little older but it is a lot easier for me to see through them to quickly dodge. But with female "friends", you sometimes just don't until you got betrayed. Probably I am just having a hard time to decipher and more vulnerable to girl friends because of the need to have a good one while guys I have not much effort at all to be friends with.

I just realized that when people talk behind your back, when you got treated negatively for no apparent reason, when you got condemned without them getting your side of your story, when people just hurt you and destroy your image and they were not supposed to be enemies but friends -- it  is probably the workings of envy or jealousy or their own feelings of insecurities. Not that there is much to be envied about my circumstance but sometimes people are just not satisfied with what they got. So I got hurt by it, I survived, I moved on but the most important thing is that I learned from it and now I know the people I can't trust.

So what do I need a good break from? It is probably, people who hid behind the veneer of friendship but who are not so well meaning after all. How I intend to deal with it? In the words of Booker Washington, "I shall not permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him." or her for that matter.